Not Either, Or; but Also, And

Something I learned when working with a coach a few years ago was this seemingly radical idea at the time that things didn’t have to be either-or. In fact, they can be also-and. 

Before, I had this limiting way of communicating that if something was good and there was an element of bad or even less good, that statement was always followed with a ‘but,’ which made the whole statement feel like it came from a place of negativity. 

That wasn’t truly how I felt, but I really needed to acknowledge both sides of what was happening. 

If you’ve been around the self-help world for a minute, you probably already know and embrace this, but for anyone who hasn’t stay with me. 

It sounded something like this. “I found out food sensitivities are causing my symptoms, but that means I can’t eat anything I want anymore.”

Or

I could say, “I found out I have sensitivities to all these foods, so I’m going to avoid them, which may be hard, and I have the opportunity to feel better not eating them.”  

It’s a reframe.

The first one sounds like a victim statement (something has happened to me, and I feel helpless). The second version sounds more empowering and like an honest reflection that yes, it sucks to have to avoid certain foods, but at the same time, I also have the opportunity to feel better by eating differently.

Both things ideas/feelings can exist in the same space. It’s not always either-or. And as my mentor Kate Swoboda says from time to time…” you don’t have to put glitter on shit.” She keeps it real. If you’re not there yet, in a place where you can see both sides, don’t force it, but you can try to be open to seeing another side of things.

There are times in your life where something happens, and we can choose to pick a side and dig in, ignoring the other feelings that exist, or we can choose to acknowledge that most things in life have conflicting emotions, and that’s okay.  

This or that. Good or bad. Right or wrong. Light or heavy. Up or down. 

We’re so focused on making things clear cut, and simple. Black or white, but no shades of grey. We want to categorize and sort, to put things in their place. As if by sorting and naming them, we will keep them there. 

But we also risk staying stuck, stuck in limiting beliefs. Stuck in decisions that we later may find new truths to and wish were different. 

What if they can be?

What if by not choosing one over the other, we get the benefit of both, and the power to flex between and see varying shades of our truth. 

What feels like an awful thing in the moment can come with its blessings as well. And likewise, what feels so amazing in the moment can also have some meh or downright shitty sides to it. 

You get to decide how you will let it define you. Will it be either-or, this or that, right or wrong, or also, and?  

I invite you to take one thing in your life right now that feels shitty and see if you can’t find one thing about it that also has hope, promise, opportunity, or brings a smile. 

Let go of the guilt. Let go of the “supposed to’s” and just feel what is true for you, in this moment. 

It’s okay if that changes later. In fact, I think if we’re doing it right, it does keep changing as we and the situation evolve.